The Apple

Last night was the first time I became aware of the existence of "The Apple" a Rocky Horror-esque movie musical from 1980.

The premise is hard to articulate because the film itself is so poorly written. Lets just say that in the amazing future world of 1994 - a world where everyone wears reflective gold, silver, and holographic clothing and where nearly everybody is a gay stereotype - a drab boy-girl folk singing duo in appear at the Worldvision Song Festival and sing a song that despite being entirely unmemorable attracts the attention of the biggest music mogul in the world (Vladek Sheybal - "From Russia With Love"/"Red Dawn") who decides he must make the female half of the duet as his newest star (Catherine Mary Stewart just previous to appearing in "Night of The Comet"). To secure her he (naturally) tempts her with a giant drugged apple, an enormous dance sequence and a barely clad Jean Michel Jarre-type fellow (Alan Love, previous to being in the far superior "Gregory's Girl"), all of which results in her signing his nefarious recording contract. From there on in, it's the tired story of nearly all rock musicals with a lead female: the girl sells out (Breaking Glass) to become a big star (Ladies and Gentlemen The Fabulous Stains), but oh the sweet sweet life she leaves behind (Beyond the Valley of the Dolls) with a devoted yet flaccid and tiresome boyfriend (an incredibly tight-panted George Gilmour) that she decides she must recapture and run from celebrity. But HOW?

This movie is badly written, poorly acted, terribly directed, and appears to be mostly shot in an abandoned airport in West Germany (supposedly the offices of a record company, not fooling us) but weirdly, despite it's obtrusive dancing scenes, terrible songs and hokey costumes the film is so entirely absorbing I JUST COULDN'T STOP WATCHING. Although this film may be a failure in nearly every realm, there is something about it which is strangely hypnotic; like a bad Chinese meal that leaves you full, a bit nauseous and mysteriously still hungry. With that in mind, I while can't recommend really going out of your way to see The Apple, if it should be made available to you, say late at night, after an excessive night of mind-altering drinks, drugs, or rock should you say no? Oh definitely not.

For more girly rock movie reviews, visit my dear amiga Kellygirl here.